He left. I cried. Ran to look for him, just to find myself speechless. Went back. Tears rolled down my cheeks relentlessly... My problem turned to a problem of two. I myself could solve it. Why asked him to be involved? Asked "you" to be detached so many times.. Why didn't you? When you feel that you are alone in the world, you will fight to live and fight to survive. But when your life is dependent on someone, you just lose your own spirit. Come on girl. Give him a life. Don't drag him into your mess. He has too much of his own problems. He has his own life. Let him go..Where is the limit of relationship, where should I draw the boundary? ...  I'm feeling like rotten at the bottom of the world. All the negative thoughts fill my mind... Listening to all the "Cry" songs : Cry on my shoulder, a shoulder to cry on,... i wish i could have one too. Crying alone in the middle of the night and nobody knows. He is soundly asleep. Tell myself not to drag him into this anymore what? Should I.... should i....be detached? Loser... loser... i'm a loser...

It is not so bad in the end… Things are starting to untie their own nods… and I am glad that I can pick myself up and move forward once again. I gathered so much inspiration from my friends, my fellow ambassadors, my fellow AIESECERS who are fighting much harder battles than me. They are even more ambitious, having more things in hand than I do but nobody complains or have a slight idea of giving up.

I was just going through my own notebook where I kept all the little stories I learnt or read somewhere. There was about a little boy, whose name is Chris. He lost one leg because of an accident. Physical pain – sometimes searing - was part of his daily life. But he never gave up his passion to play basketball. "Dad, tell coach I'll be back next season. I am going to play basketball again"…. But when he tried to drive, hop-skipping toward the basket or leap for a rebound, he fell to the ground. He told himself "Common Chris, you can do it". However he knew the truth. He couldn't do it. He was telling himself "May be I'm not up to this…" but in the end, he told himself that there was only 1 thing to do, which is to push himself even harder. During the 2 days of tryouts, no one had pushed himself harder than Chris. He took 10 laps around the gym with others – moving far slower than everyone else but never failing to finish. During the competition, his Dad was shouting, cheering for him "Common Chris, this is what you have worked for. Show them you can do it". And guess what, when the final buzzer sounded, Chris had scored 11 points. Torrington won!

The story always gives me goose bumps, especially the last sentence… It always acted a source of my motivation. It is and always will…

Spending my whole day in school rushing for one project after another is really tiring! But at least, here I am now - relaxing, watching Pride and Prejudice, writing my blog…. Life is not so bad huh!

Gotta go go go !  

2 am

Life sucks like hell! Crying and slurping a bowl of instant noodle in the middle of the night, when you are supposed to be soundly as sleep is probably not something that anybody would want to do. OMG…life has been really sucking for me these days. I don't know how long since I last posted an entry, but oh well, I barely drudge through life now. Been wondering to myself why am I doing all this? At times I just want to give all up. Why involved so much in CCA? Why this and why that?

I had school since morning 830am and meeting till 11pm at night. It really struck me when my president asked me to tell the whole group one interesting thing I did for the past 2 weeks. You know what? I was really blank. I couldn't even recall a single interesting event that I did. I don't know what I have been doing. I rush through life, one project after another and at the end of the day, I don't feel I am any where near to my self-satisfaction or at the very lease, could say that my life is meaningful.

Today's lesson was one of the most horrible lessons that I've been to. The three hours were painfully long. I had no idea what the Prof. was talking about. If you asked me what I gained out of today's class, ha ha, nothing except that next week we are going to have a quiz on these chapters. This reminds me of my horrible next week: SE Risk Case Assignment, TIBCO dynamic analysis assignment, PMSB Quiz, MA quiz and ASMU tour… Don't know how I can bring myself through this phase. This semester is tough. Spending hours per week doing coding for the stupid hospital project, hours for my CCA, hours for MA… don't know what I am up to.

I've changed. I've no longer been a very determined and hardworking girl I once was. I look back my SEC and JC journey… Sometimes I really admire that girl. I admire her resilience, her determination, her self-discipline and especially her passion to do good things and help people. Oh Gosh, look at me now, I think I'm no thing near there. I guess I've been integrating so well into the selfish society … I do feel alarm with the situation of course. Part of me is screaming: "this is not what I want….", the other part of me is like : "Shut up! You just have to change…" The thing here is not that clear cut like I've described here… but that it is… somehow.

Well, relationship… Get to know myself a lot more through relationship. The relationship I am having is not an easy one… And you know what; I realize one thing in relationship: When your boyfriend fails you, it's going to hurt much more than just a normal friend. But the thing is sometimes you can't jus rely too much on the other party. At the end of the day, you are two different identities. Though you claim that you two have metal connectivity, how can you expect someone who knows you so well?

I've not been catching up with any of my friends lately. … I felt bad to my parents as well. I've not been writing to them regularly… Guess it's time to write to them. But you know, sometimes I lie to my parents on what's been happening to me. Coz I don't want them to worry over my stuff and cannot solve any problems. I stupidly let them know once. It was disastrous and I promised myself since then: never tell my parents what is really happening if things are bad.

I was browsing through all my friends' blogs this afternoon and get myself updated with interesting stories of their lives. And I guess, what I am doing here is very much the same. I really hope that all my friends are doing fine with whatever journeys they are undertaking. I shall catch up with you guys soon…

Haiz… time to sleep again? I hate broken sleep but what can I do? Really couldn't sleep with an empty stomach and a burning heart just now!

She is still the same - an old wicked woman, hand holding a long umbrella, an another hand holding the phone chatting with somebody on the line! Her eyes are as dark and wicked as you can imagine. I tried to ignore her but still, I could feel the vile aura that she eminated. I overheard her conversation on the phone: Somebody was going to sign a contract with her for 1 year. Poor the fellow that is going to rent the apartment at Spanish Village! Mrs. Lim (by the way, this is her name) will scare his life out of hell! I really pity that person.

I still remember the time we stayed at Spanish Village. We were so naive and ignorant in signing a contract with this lady. She cheated us in a lot of things, from utilities in the house to the area of space that we could use. What a horrible experience...  She even threatened us that her family has some kind of connection with the L. family and that we should be scared of her... (???)

Suddenly, I remember one of the presentations in my Business, Government and Society class. It was about 'Diamond Cutter' and Religious Ethics in Business that a group of my friends has wonderfully delivered. That presentation really has a big impact on me: You will get whatever fruits from whatever seeds you planted. From the day of that lesson onwards, I keep telling myself to plant Apple seeds instead of Chiku seeds. You see, that old lady is planting lots of Chiku seeds along her way. She will get back all the Chiku fruits later... as simple as that...

Oh ya, another funny thing is this story: The writer of the book asked my friend :' So imagine if you go to the garden and plant an Apple seed, hoping to get back the apple fruit in another five years. And then, five years later, while you are waiting, a Chiku fruit drops on your head. So the question is, what seed did you plant? A Chiku seed or an Apple seed?' You want to guess what is the answer? Haha, the Chiku fruit is definitely from a Chiku seed. You didn't plant it 5 years back but you must have dropped this seed somewhere along your way! So the concept is : You will get what you plant...

My boyfriend and I recently also are having very intersting conversations about Chiku seed and Apple seed. hee... want to plant more apple seeds? go and wash dishes...!!  

Heez... that's all for now... My stomach is growling... Uhmm.... what is yummy for dinner?

.. I'm so demotivated! .. Couldn't manage to start exams revising... haiz....  the thought of OO,DM,AS,STATS is so daunting... and i just have a few days left ...

Common girl! Just a few more days and then you will be free! Imagine how fun it will be when you go home.... You can see Mom and Dad and chi Minh... You can slouch in the couch or sleep the whole day! You can just slack and read books, design things you like.... You can see all kinds of flowers in the garden... You can exercise, run like crazy... Your mind will be free of hassle and free of work! And remember the coldness that will piece through layers of your clothes... You can just snuggle in bed with Mom and Dad,... watch Korean show... eat all the nice and healthy food... I miss my home....

So Sweetie go and study okay! Spring if you need! Coz this is already  the last phase of the term... Do not give up now...  Just a bit more and you are reaching the finishing line... A bit more only... A bit more... Jia You! You can do it... Do your exams well and then, YOU ARE GOING HOME! 

Hey...

I'm so happy! I managed to get the Blog up! Hahaha Yeah! Spent so much time on this thing... Actually I must thank Minh Ha for giving me the motivation to blog... The truth is I have been craving for a personal website, a space to pen down my thoughts and emotions, but you know... it's always the same old excuse : I'm too busy.... Well well, my personal webpage is not up yet...! But at least I have something here...

It's been a while since I get so detached with my real diaries. Those no longer have an impact on me like before... Ever since I owned a notebook, I spend most of my time with this lovely lady. I am a visual person... Everything must be visualised in words, pictures and colors... So I just can't progress without an avenue to let this thoughts out... hihi... so give myself a pat on my back! Good job!

Honey, thank you for giving em the title 'Gateway to my soul'. It's a great title.... You are so sweet...! luv u *muak*...

Heez... gotta get back to my study now! Exams is within 1 week! Scary! I'm really looking forward to my long long holiday!